Adventures in Subbing-The Difficult

Today I subbed for the local junior high. It has been a month since I have been there. Today was difficult, not because the classes was being ornery, they did much better than usual, but because one of the girls in the class I was teaching lost her mother in a car accident about 3 weeks ago. I knew when I read it in the paper a couple days after the accident that it was probably her mom and my heart immediately went out to her. She is a sweet girl.

Today, as she came in the room for class she was crying. Up till now I had heard that she was doing okay, but yesterday one of her friend's dad had been in a car accident (he is doing okay). I didn't really link the two till later, and I'm guessing they are linked--I really have no idea and assuming such things doesn't do much good. A couple of the students mentioned that she was crying, and I think it was more to see what my reaction would be, because they were probably guessing I knew nothing about the situation. Kids do things like that sometimes. My heart was broken. I don't know if she was crying for her friend, or her mom, or something else that triggered it all in the sensitive emotional state she is in.

I was in that state where compassion wants to do something but is at a loss with what to do. I connected some of what she was going through to my own experience. I lost my father when I was 15. But I'm not going to pretend that I have a clue what she is going through. The only similarity is loss of a parent. Everything else about the situation differs greatly, and everyone deals with the death of a loved one differently. There she was, doing work, tears streaming, but quietly trying to tough it out. I was sitting at the desk trying to keep everyone on task, but at the same time lifting up prayers for this girl's family.

I knew that when I was going through my grief, which I didn't wear on my sleeve at all, I didn't particulary care for people I hardly knew giving me sympathy. I knew they meant well, and it didn't anger me at all, but it wasn't helpful either. But more than that I didn't like being the one "who just lost my dad." I didn't want the attention called to it. I just wanted things to get to as normal as they were going to get and deal with it in my own time.

I figured she didn't want attention called to herself and was already embarrassed by the emotions she can't control. But at the same time, I wanted to communicate that I understood the situation without calling any extra attention to her, having to make her feel like she had to explain anything, and without offering sympathetic words that are of no use. I certainly didn't want to ignore what was so obvious either, putting her in a situation where she feels compelled to fight through those feelings if they got too much, or try to explain them to a complete stranger.

I finally decided to write her a note, all it said was something to effect of "If you feel like you need to go to the restroom or talk to the school counselor or somebody, feel free." Then I non-chalantly put it on her desk. I think it helped. She did calm down as class went on, and about half way through she got up and asked me if she could go to the restroom. She didn't want the attention of just walking out without a word. Perhaps she understood. I think it was what she needed then. This is one of those rare cases where I believe I got it right.

(Written to John Linnell-State Songs, which is completely silly music that doesn't go with this post, and Living Colour-Stain)