Single Youth Minister Rant

And the frustration has set in. I got home from a tough day of working a minimum wage job that I have now had for over a year while searching for a youth ministry job close to home so I can be directly involved in my neice's life when I get this e-mail.

TIMOTHY,

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION OF (this church's) YOUTH MINISTER'S POSITION. AT THE CURRENT TIME WE ARE HOWEVER, LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MARRIED. YOUR RESUME IS IMPRESSIVE AND I'M SURE YOU WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM FINDING A MINISTRY TO BE INVOLVED WITH. MAY GOD BLESS YOU IN YOUR EFFORTS.

FOR THE SEARCH COMMITTEE
(Minister's Name)

I have hit the boiling point. That line about it being no problem finding a job was too much. I can no longer keep my mouth shut and just let it go by. I do my best to not burn bridges, but sometimes when they are already on fire, it is a necessary release to throw fuel on the flames. I think this may be the first reactionary e-mail I have ever written showing my frustration. This is what I wrote, and yes, I did send it:

You'd be amazed at how many will not look at me because I am single. I have not been able to get a youth ministry job for over a year. Apparently, being married is much more important then a heart for God that is single because he has been too interested in helping to build up the church, and left his last job so that he could help raise his 11 year old niece who doesn't have a father, which prevents him from leaving this area that has put such a high premium on marital status. You have been about the 15th church (that is not an exaggeration, some I talked to told me not to bother sending my info since I am single) that has looked at my "impressive" resume but has dismissed it based on marital status. No, I have had a very difficult time getting finding a job because churches have given a minister's marital status utmost importance.

This is not the lashing out of someone who is bitter they cannot find a job, but there is a point when one must speak out in defense of his ministry as Paul does in 2 Corinthians. I have had very good interviews with both of the churches that did not have a marriage requirement. But that means there have been 2 churches of Christ within the area (within 3 hours) that have not had this requirement. There have been three churches that I know of that have bothered to even check into my references. The third one I have an interview with this coming weekend, but it is 4 hours away, which if I took that position, would make being involved in my niece's life at all very difficult. Please understand that my niece and my ministry are the two things closest to my heart. That is what makes it frustrating when churches put such an extra-biblical emphasis on the presence of a marriage relationship.

I don't expect this e-mail to endear you to me at all, and it is rare to have me respond like this, but I hope maybe that it will open the door for some well qualified single man who loves the Lord and has his heart and skill in youth ministry some consideration, and maybe encourage the search committee to pay attention to what Paul wrote through the Holy Spirit in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35.

Thanks for the consideration.

Trying to be God's servant,
Tim

There is really more I wanted to say, but I think I have said what I wanted to. It didn't even dawn on me until I wrote this e-mail that I have interviewed with every church that has checked my references. I've interviewed with Oxford CofC (they hired another guy, who happens to be single), Parkway CofC (they are still in the interview process), and this weekend I interview with Dardenne Prairie CofC. That is 3 of probably 25 resumes I have sent out, not to mention the ones I have called that told me "Don't bother." Now if I were looking for something that is not in the Bible Belt, I would probably have had a few different job offers. But I am here, and here is where I need to stay. Incidentally, Dardenne Prairie opened up the position on a "limited" basis to single people. I guess they were really impressed with my resume. So now that I have put this e-mail out there and have probably set fire to a few more bridges accidentally, here are the reasons I think churches want a married minister, some of these have some validity, some don't:

1) FREE WORKER!!!! He can minister to the guys, and she can minister to the girls, all on one salary. And his job depends on how well she ministers. This is still the expectation in way too many churches. Several churches have backed off on the requirements they have for the wife of a minister, but it is still the expectation of the church families on the whole. Now if she wants to minister to the girls, that is a tremendous asset, but most wives are overburdened already with family and their own job along with the expectation put on them by the church. Ministers who have successful families have been very protective of how the church treats their families. Most successful churches that have had the same minister for a long time have a leadership that is very protective of the ministers' families. Now I will admit that there is a necessary weakness in my ministry with girls. My response to this in my case is that I can spend lots of time discipling the guys, much more than someone with a family, and I can help develop strong, godly male leaders. This will be one of the strongest ministries I can provide for the girls. There are too many Christian boys and so few Christian men.

There is another difficulty inherant in this desire is to leave all the ministry up to the paid minister's family. A church is essentially saying, "We want you to do our job of discipling our girls." The burden of paid ministry is that many people believe it is the job of the minister to do all the work, and this is doubly so if this is the attitude of the church leadership. The church is asking a couple to do the full-time work of two people on one small salary while the other members can go about their lives. Biblically, it is the job of the older women to teach the younger (Titus 2:3-5), not the minister's family. A single minister can organize opportunities for ministry to happen, but can't take on the entire role, and the same is true of married ministers. It doesn't matter who you are, you will not connect with every kid or every family in a congregation. A single person can find people to fill the ministry gaps, and may even get more help because of his situation. But to stand back and expect the minister's wife to take the lead is encouraging the rest of the congregation to abdicate their responsibility, and ignore Scriptural example. In truth, the best thing a full time minister can do is create opportunities where ministry and discipleship can happen with the engagement of the full congregation.

2) IT SHOWS MATURITY!!!! Having a wife and kids shows that you have it all together, and you can model for our kids what it means to be a godly family. Now the maturity argument probably has the most validity, but then, how many people that you know would still be single if they were mature? I'm mature enough to know what I am looking for in a women and I will not settle. I would be much happier serving the Lord single than being married to a woman who does not share my passion for the Lord. Now I will gladly admit that one of the reasons I am not married is because I had (and still have) a lot of growing up to do, but I was mature enough to recognize that. I decided early on I would grow up serving God with all my being. I am not out pursuing a romantic relationship because I have chosen to use my time to minister instead, and I will not pursue one that distracts me from my relationship with the Lord. I have yet to regret this decision. How great it would be if the youth could see an example of godly singleness? A godly marriage will bring maturity, but a marriage where the partners do not have the same goal often stunts growth and makes ministry very difficult. I liken it to wisdom, while it favors age and experience, it does not guarantee it. Nor does wisdom always escape the young, and to ignore wisdom coming from anybody is foolish. So marriage favors maturity, but it does not guarantee it, and singleness does not mean maturity lacks.

3) WILL HE BE ABLE TO CONTROL HIMSELF??!!! If he's single, he won't have a positive sexual outlet. What if he goes after our girls? Oh no, He's 27 and single, is he gay? Ok, I am being melodramatic, but I think this one has more to do with why churches want married men. I was asked by a man of the Roseville congregation (not the one I will talk about in a bit) how much longer I would be able to hold out. I found the statement odd and amusing at first, but very problematic the more I thought about it. What does that say about sexuality? I have personally experienced a good friend of mine leaving his wife for a girl in the youth group. The most heart wretching part is it was my successor at Roseville who was one of my main volunteers. Three years of successful youth ministry as a single, and the married guy who followed me couldn't control himself. I have heard from a few different sources (I can't verify this) that there is a greater percentage of sexual deviance among married ministers than single ministers. I think the only reason for this is that married ministers might be more careless in their boundaries. People often point to the Catholic priest scandal recently, but they did not have a higher incidence of that behavior than Protestant churches. They are just an easy target because they require celibacy. Marriage does not take away sexual temptation. I have not talked to a man yet that hasn't had the same struggles after marriage than he had before. The real question is, do you know how to control it? If you can control your sexuality before marriage, than you can control it just as well in marriage. If you really struggle with sexuality before marriage, you will continue to struggle in marriage. Marriage does not change sexual temptation. I think this idea comes from our over-sexed culture. We have this subconscious idea that you must have sex, and if you don't, you will get to the point where your sex drive will take over. Like as if I don't find a wife and have sex in the next 5 years, I'm going to become a serial rapist. I am very aware of my sex drive, but that is so I can keep from misusing it. When you stop being aware of your sexual urges, than you are heading for trouble, because you won't be on top of them when temptation comes. The fact that I have been celibate for 27 years and counting is a good sign that I will know how to avoid temptation, and how to face it when it comes. But if I ever think I am foolproof, than am I in trouble. But that is the reality for anyone married as well. I pay very close attention to how I interact with the girls in my youth group. And how I interact with them will not change when I get married.

Well, those are the three reasons that I can think of at this moment. I feel better now, but that is because I haven't looked at that e-mail for an hour. I hope I adequately explained myself and haven't hurt my chances of being hired anywhere. I probably just showed my lack of maturity. I'm going to bed now before I dig so deep I can't climb out of this hole.