Taking the "Sin" Out of Singleness

Thanks for all the encouragement to my last post. I will be very surprised if I get a response back from that e-mail, or that it makes any difference to them. At it's very least, it was valuable to me because it certainly let off some steam in a non-destructive way. For awhile I was a bit regretful that I sent it and was afraid it was too harsh, but going back and reading it, I'm glad that I did. It simply reminded a church of what Scripture said about it, along with personal experience. Your encouragement helped very much in that feeling.

We all need to be called back to the Biblical standard we are called to regardless of the cultural standard. While the church should use culture to reach out without forsaking the Gospel, it should never allow church culture to play keep out. Unfortunately, many churches have put the church family cultural expectation above Biblical principles. And often times churches have turned the value of family on it's head. The family is made for the Kingdom of God, not the Kingdom of God for the family. It seems too many churches are trying to get their singles married than mobilize them for devoted kingdom service. Ask almost anyone who has been in a singles' ministry. Most of them are terrible. And the church has often been responsible for putting such a premium on marriage that it has ended up neutering its most potentially productive members. So many single people, who are often young and weaker Christians, are never encouraged to flourish in their relationship with the Lord. Many are subliminally told that they need to spend time finding a great spouse instead of being empowered to use their gift of singleness. Apparently, this is a gift that God values that the church often times has no place for. After all, what can you do for the kingdom if you can't make more Christians by having babies? In wanting to be a family devoted place, many churches have become a family only place. Of course, there are many exceptions to this. But this is much more often the rule than the exception. Because face it, on a worldly level the church is saying you are not a really valuable Christian until you can procreate under God. That stance is spiritually barren.

But as for me, I want to buy into what the Lord says through Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs -how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world -how he can please his wife --and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world -how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

The context of this passage is interesting, and much of it is problematic, because some of the things in this chapter are so difficult to translate, no one is really sure what Paul is saying. And then some the teachings are just difficult to accept. But the part that is very clear is that Paul is calling people to stay as they were called. He talks earlier in verse 17 that each man should remain as the Lord has called him. If you are married, don't divorce, if you are single, don't run out and get married, if you are uncircumcised, don't get circumcised. He is not binding people to live in the exact relationship they are called, he is relieving people of the notion that they must change their outward relationships to have a relationship with God. Don't think you have to be married to be a Christian, don't divorce because your spouse has not become a Christian with you. Live under God's law in the situation you are in. We must refrain from calling people to relationships in the church that God has not called them to.

Now a bit on marriage because I don't want anyone to think for one second that I am down on it. I am fully supportive of marriage and family. I hope to have one myself one day, but I hold marriage in high enough esteem that I will not carelessly throw around that covenant. Any covenant I make on earth needs to be under the covenant I have already made in heaven. One of my favorite things I have enjoyed in my life is watching, and being a part of weddings where two people pledge to love the Lord together in holy matrimony. Yes, I am a man who loves weddings. And I have even cried at a couple. It thrills my soul. I am supportive of my friends marriages by 1) Not abandoning them because now they are married and I'm not. This happened with a lot of my friends who got married in college. Once the vows were exchanged, the single friends dropped away. I never understood it. 2) Being very respectful of their personal and family time. I try my best to be very sensitive when my married friends need alone time or just family time. There are a couple that know they can ask me to go somewhere else for awhile. I am not offended in the least, because that relationship is more important, and I show my love by being respectful of their time. 3) Being encouraging. I want to make sure everything is going okay. I want to help out to give them a break. I haven't been called upon to do so any time recently, but I will happily baby sit if I am visiting for any extended period of time, or just asked to do so. God designed marriage to be the standard for raising children, and the very foundation of society. I wholeheartedly support marriage, and it grieves my heart when I see divorce, or I see abuse instead of love.

Having said all that, here is what I was really intending to write: Another point.

4) IF HE IS SINGLE, HE WON'T UNDERSTAND OUR FAMILIES OR BE ABLE TO HELP US IN RAISING OUR KIDS!!!!!! He won't know how to handle my crisis with my teenager. He knows nothing about the constant pressure on families. When did the idea that you cannot help or understand something unless you have gone through it become the standard? Can I not lift up the standard because I am not directly involved in the standard I wish to lift up? There is tremendous value in personal experience, but there is also tremendous value in the experience of others. Must you fornicate to speak against it? Must you be married to encourage married people? Part of the reason we have the church is that we can share collective experience. I can learn something about a drug addiction that can help me help somebody else, even though I have never experienced it. Besides, who having gone through it would wish it on someone so they can be "understood." I find most people are much more in need of love and encouragement and a listening ear and loving honesty, the kind that is very willing to say "I don't know" or "I can't understand this like you." The hypocrisy in all this is that most youth ministers are in their 20s, have not been married long if they are, and have certainly never raised teenagers. But because they have entered the union, that gives them more authority to talk about what they won't experience for another 20 years? It is much better if those families with teens maybe did some mentoring of their own to the young couple. I am someone who tries to learn and apply lessons from the experience of others. Now I certainly do think that a young married couple may have more to say than a single. But then they have less time to say it in, go back to that verse in 1 Corinthians. I have time to learn and observe. I have more time to get to know families. I have time to be mentored, so that I can be better prepared for what will happen when I get there. I want to learn from those who have been there, and maybe there is a helpful perspective I can offer because I haven't (most of the time there won't be, but how is that any different from a young married couple?) But I have the time to hurt with, rejoice with, and pray with those who are going through difficult times.

I know that there are some things that I cannot offer because I am single, but there are many things I can offer that married couples can't. I trust God's judgment on this one, not our culture's.

I do firmly believe that God is preparing a place for me. I would be lying if I didn't say the wait was frustrating. But I will continue to trust, and even if I am not in "full-time" ministry, I will keep serving him wherever I can both personally and through my congregation. The reason I have that minimum wage job and haven't looked for anything that pays more is that I can get flexible hours, which gives me time to volunteer for retreats and mission trips and camps. And in it all the Lord has provided for every need. I have not been in need for anything. But now I know all the more how wonderful it is to be able to spend all my time and making money doing the very thing that I love to do (is that a valuable personal experience I can offer?)

But if I get to the same point as Abraham, a mail order bride is not out of the question, ya know, just to move God along. Apparantly it would make me a much more desireable and wise youth minister.

--written to "Greatest Hits"-Red Hot Chili Peppers (from their early stuff), "Flap Your Wings"-The Choir, and a recording of me performing "Piece of Glass" on my autoharp, proofread to "Severe Tire Damage"-They Might Be Giants

P.S. The title to this post was provided by a friend of mine who thinks I should write a book with that title.