Last Day, No Cavities, Some Smokies, and a Little Fear

Well as a band name that title is no dumber than Toad the Wet Sprocket or Hootie and the Blowfish. Okay, maybe it is. Anyways, today was my last day at Toxic Belch. It went by quickly and unceremoniously. I still have to get up tomorrow morning to work as an Educational Assistant at the Martin Junior High. I am filling in helping a physically disabled 7th grader. I got offered a job doing that full-time since last year's EA quit. I love working with him, but I think youth ministry is a little more my thing, and pays much better (but probably not if it was a state other than Tennessee). But I will still be subbing some.

Last week I realized I should probably use my dental insurance I have been paying for. I put off an appointment because my teeth weren't bothering me and I was afraid of what they would find. That sounds like an intelligent course of action I usually recommend, put everything off until it becomes a big problem (sarcasm added). But fortunately I inherited very good teeth and had no cavities. This was my first dental check-up in 6 years, so I was very pleased with the results. The rest of today I have had my tongue keep feeling the back of my front teeth where they cleaned off the tartar. It may not be good for your teeth, but I will say that it makes them a bit smoother.

This next Sunday, August 20th will be my first day at Parkway, and it surprises me what my reaction has been to it. I firmly believe it is a church that will be a great fit, and it has a good group of core kids that are excited about the youth ministry. I have some excitement, but what surprises me is that emotion is buried under fear. That is not the personal reaction I was expecting. The nice thing about being a volunteer the past year plus is that there has been no expectation or demand on what I am doing. Now, I have started putting all this pressure on myself to do something great instead of just relaxing and doing what I love to do. Honestly, last week when I accepted the position, it really stressed me out. With a week to think and pray and gain some perspective, the excitement is getting stronger. The real difficulty starting out will be just allowing myself to relax. I am much more in tune with people and more creative when I am relaxed. Truthfully, I feel like I'm not ready to start, but I know that I am. This is one of those cases where my head is still trying to talk my heart into calming down. Am I ready and qualified? Of course not, who is for the Lord's work? But I am confident that "God's equips the called, He doesn't call the equipped." I am usually very comfortable knowing this, but my fear is trying to be self-defeating.

So this Thursday, I am leaving for a little vacation to the mountains of east Tennessee and North Carolina. I will actually have a vacation!! First one since I went to Texas in April of last year. (Now I have been out of town several times, but always for a specific reason. Ok, camp in California last summer counts as vacation. I may have had a lot of responsibilities, but it was entirely too refreshing to not count. Now back to what I was saying.) It is time for a personal retreat. I want to get away, get myself lost in the mountains, and just spend some time with God. I need to take spiritual inventory. I need to see where I have grown indifferent. That's the biggest enemy of my heart. I need to reorient my thinking. I need to pray. I need to surround myself with quiet. I haven't been to the Smokies. Actually, I will probably go through them, than find a much more secluded non-touristy place. Joy, Brian's wife, is from that area and knows some great get away places. The break will be nice.

In the whole scheme of things, I think the fear has much more to do with a life change. I have found that I am not as adventurous as I once was, and I love being near familiar people. The nice part of this job is I will have that familiarity with people around here, I will just need to learn a new church. I think that most of the fear is grounded in the very difficult first year and half I had in California. But I have grown much from that experience and I have a much better understanding of myself and what I want to do. I'm afraid I'll be the me from 5 years ago. But I'm not, and that makes me excited about Parkway.

I feel better now, I just needed to vent. Now I am excited. Wow, this blog thing is useful. Thanks for reading.

--written to Bebo Norman "Big Blue Sky" and sampler CD from Ryan Cabrera, and the song "Crazy" from Gnarls Barkley (I love that song.) Proofread to Guster "Lost and Gone Forever"

P.S. I will start taking classes at Harding in the spring.