It’s interesting to see how personalities change over time. I used to be an unabashed extrovert. When I took the psychological tests we had to take for our college internship, I was a 9 out of 10 on the extroversion scale. It was high enough that they had to double check to make sure I wasn’t manic. The break down of that was pretty even, and I wasn’t prone to depression, so that all turned out okay.
My trip to Texas got me thinking, a lot. I’m no longer the extrovert I used to be, I think. Where I used to always want to be around people, it seems now I have a tendency to want to withdraw to be by myself. I don’t know if this is because I’m from a family of very introverted people, and being the youngest, I was the reaction to it all and now that I have been on my own, I have taken on more of an introverted personality. There may be some of that, but I think I have simply adjusted to being alone, and it’s not really good for me.
I went from ACU where I was almost always with people, and almost always greatly enjoying it, to California where I knew nobody. It was a lonely 3+ years, especially the first 1 ½. The biggest struggle I had was thinking entirely too much and buying into my own self negative talk. Where I was someone who generally pursued relationships, I now just kind of sat back because being in a new place where many potential friends have established relationships, it takes a lot more work. I noticed that I would sometimes try too hard, which means I would do things like make really stupid comments trying to be funny, and interrupt other people, and other times not say much at all fearing how other people would misinterpret it. I became introverted, and mostly as a defense. It was easier than being rejected.
Now looking back on it with more experience and wisdom, part of it stemmed from the fact that I was going into a church that had a youth group that had been burned by previous youth minister turnover. They looked at me with suspicion, and even though in my mind I knew that, my heart took it as rejection. I am tremendously thankful that there were members of that church that took me under their wing and gave me some emotional support as I tried to do that for their kids. I was blessed with a church that understood they were getting a novice, and they let me grow and learn. Looking back, even though this was a tough time, I would not trade it. God stretched me and challenged my faith, and He showed me some things about myself that I needed to grow in. And even in that desert experience, He provided enough (sometimes it seemed like barely enough) to keep me going. I am a stronger person for being there. And even in the midst of self-doubt and inexperience, God did some great things while I was there. I am amazed at what God did through me and in spite of me. He is tremendously faithful.
The last year and a half I was at Roseville, it was great. It took time to break through that barrier of distrust, and I was becoming more and more aware of what I was telling myself. I started to learn how to reject my self-talk. I realized that negative thoughts are one of the greatest tools in Satan’s repertoire, and identifying where the thoughts were coming from made them easier to ignore. Satan will try to make you think you’ve already lost when you take the field. I started to pursue people more, but not nearly enough. I still operated out of my bad habits of withdrawal, non confrontation (I was never good at that anyway) and self-rejection. Only recently have I been learning that I have these habits and how unhealthy they are for me.
Somewhere in my heart is this belief that if I spend too much time with someone that I will start to get really annoying and they won’t like me. And that is crap. Looking at myself from a 3rd person perspective, I would love hanging out with me. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! But I have to identify that urge when it comes up or I believe it, and I withdraw. I don’t know why I hold others perceived opinions of myself stronger than my own. What I mean by that is I don’t reject others, even if they get a little annoying. I rarely get annoyed with other people, I generally like them a lot, but I think they will get annoyed with me. I have a double standard against myself. I suspect that most people do.
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3 comments:
It's very easy to buy into Satan's lies. Notice my entry from last week. On the other hand we still consider you a great friend, and you certainly spent enough time with us for us to get tired of you if we were going to. We didn't. We had great times.
There were some people at ACU we got tired of. You were certainly not one of them.
I often wonder if it's something to do with changing careers. You and Joel both went from being full-time students, where it wasn't hard to make friends because there were always 4000 people around, to working in an industry that is not necessarily conducive to making friendships with peers. Joel stares at a computer screen all day and you minister to people rather than becoming their comrades.
I did not have it as hard. Having kids and becoming a stay-at-home-mom meant that there was a wealth of women in my situation from all walks of life. They were just waiting for me to take the first step. I have made lots and lots of friendships, even with people I didn't initially think would be my friends.
One thing I've learned from that is that in the "real world" sometimes you have to take a chance. Just because you don't click with someone the first, third, or even tenth time doesn't mean you can't be friends eventually. Give them some grace, some of your time, and admit you have made mistakes. Laugh with them and share your trials and you will have friends.
I know this is long but I care about you and I care about Joel. I wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and give everyone a great friend or companion, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work that way. Even I have to work at it, and I am blessed with so much free time to do just that.
Take care and know that we will never get sick of you. :)
I am glad to hear your experiences. I have been going through some of the same things. I guess it is just one of those learning experiences. It really has taken me a whole year just to adjust and enjoy what I am doing. I hope and expect that the next year is much better and easier than the first. And by the time I love it here, it will be time for me to leave and start anew. So the story goes.
I hope grad school is going well for you.
Firstly let my tell you with all due certainty that I have never, nor shall I ever find you, in any way shape or form, annoying. I prize you as one of my dearest friends and comrads, in the non Soviet instance of the word, of cource.
After some of the things I have had to stick through these last few years I have found myself keeping people at a bit of an arms length, not trusting in my ability to hold onto friends with any degree of reciprication to my feelings for them. Basicly, they will never like me as much as I like them. Hogwash but thats where I was, and am. I suppose all I am trying to say is, leave a light on for me so when I get to where you are we can have a drink. So save me a Peach Nehi.
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