How to Love Somebody You Can't Stand

This is my bulletin article for the next couple of weeks. I think there is some good stuff here. Some of it (like the 7 things to do) are from that book, some of the commentary is my own ideas, and some of it is Milton's. Either way, I think it is useful stuff.

(12) Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (13)Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

(14) Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. (15) Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (16) Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

(17) Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. (18) If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (19) Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. (20) On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." (21) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

This summer we have been studying Romans 12:12-21 with the aid of a booklet by Milton Jones called How to Love Somebody You Can’t Stand. I highly suggest it. Jones brings out some wonderful, simple points from the text that are so easy to learn and teach, but are very difficult to do. Sometimes we spend a lot of time talking about the parts of the Bible that are difficult to understand. What troubles me are the parts of the Bible that are easy to understand and difficult to do. It seems those are the things that are the most difficult to do and the most transforming when done. As G.K. Chesterton observed, “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.” Over the next few weeks we will look at the principles found in Romans 12.

Jones gives us 7 steps to follow to help us love people we can’t stand, and live up to the easily understandable instruction found in Romans 12:

#1-Manage your mouth—Bless and do not curse (12:14): One of the quickest things we resort to is to talk bad about people and gossip (slander is in 1 Corinthians 5 as a sin worthy of disfellowship). Even when someone wrongs us, we cannot go around slandering them and build up a “case” against them. We follow a Lord who when being terribly beaten and slandered said “Forgive them for they know not what they do.”

#2-Put yourself in the other person’s place and try to understand their feelings, thoughts, and position (12:15): Or as Stephen Covey put it in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Most of the time someone mistreats you or says something negative to you, it has nothing to do with you. The vast majority of the time it has something to do with the one who is being awful. Whether it is pain, impatience, unmet expectations and needs, or control issues, it probably has nothing to do with you, so avoid taking every affront personally. When someone does wrong, putting yourself in their shoes does not excuse the action, but it may help bring understanding so you can deal with them in a constructive way that leads to reconciliation and growth.

#3-Never, never, never take revenge (12:17-19): This is never left up for humans to do. We are too sinful and too limited in our thinking and understanding. This is the Lord’s job alone. We will be judged for what revenge we dish out. Also, we are not perfect in the matter, so any judgment we take out on others we must deal to ourselves, and we simply do not have the capacity to do that justly.

#4-Plan ahead to do something beautiful (12:17): Do not take revenge, but do not be a pacifist. Instead, do something good for the person who has wronged you. A pacifist does nothing and takes it, revenge deals evil for evil. God calls us to bless those who persecute us. That means we purposefully plan to be kind. Do not excuse sinful behavior but instead acknowledge the wrong and do good in return. Do they deserve it? No, but then if we got what we deserved we would all be dead and rotting in hell. I know that is crass but it is the reality. If the Lord gave us instant justice, we would die the second we sinned. But the Lord is patient and desires that all come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9), and we can help in that process by taking the attitude of Christ, who asked us to forgive as we have been forgiven, and forgive 7x70, and if you are counting, your wrong. If you harbor anger, resentment, and hold a grudge, you give the person who wronged complete power over your life because they will direct your steps in everything you do.

#5-Don’t just win the war-win the peace (12:18): That means we are not interested in just being right, but we work to heal the relationship. Some people will alienate and mistreat others in the name of being right by winning an argument, but will run over and hurt all kinds of people in the way. The Pharisees were interested in being right about the law, but Jesus was interested in people being right with God. The Pharisees used God’s law as a source of personal pride and judgment. Jesus used the law to show love and mercy, as it was intended. Jesus fought for peace, the Pharisees made war using God’s Word. No wonder Jesus was so upset; what was meant for peace and salvation was used to divide and condemn. We are not into winning arguments, we are into winning souls.

#6-Make room for God (12:18-19): You cannot change anybody. No one can make you do anything. These are two fundamental things we must understand. It is up to the Lord to change hearts, but it is up to us to love our enemies. We must take responsibility for our own behavior and not blame others. We also cannot try to manipulate, control, coerce, or intimidate others into a behavior we want them to display. To do that is to try to play God. Instead we must allow God to be God. Pray for the people you are in a bad relationship with. Love them and serve them anyway. Be kind to them. Let God work, and show by your life the mercy and grace you have received. Once again, this does not mean you accept and bypass wrong behavior. What it means is that you acknowledge it, refuse to take it, and be kind in return. This is not easy to do, but easy to understand. Only God can change hearts, so we need to let Him do His job, and be a support by being an example of following Christ.

#7-Bomb people with love (12:20)-Do the right thing, regardless. This takes a conscience chose, and it is proactive. It is living above reacting to what everyone else does. It says before hand “The Lord loves me and saved me when I was a sinner, and He died for you too. So I will show you the love that He showed to me.” It means that you do what is kind regardless of the other’s response. In doing so, you make it so difficult for them to hate you that it will drive them crazy. The best revenge is taking all the sting out of hatred. People will come to the Lord, ignore you, or turn their wrath to themselves or someone else in response. Or they will hurt you out of anger. That is what they did to Jesus, and we are called to take up our cross and follow. Besides, will mistreating others and taking revenge heal a relationship? Not at all. The Lord’s way will not heal everybody, but it is much more likely than taking things into your own hands and using the devil’s tools to try to accomplish the Lord’s work. Remember, live at peace with everyone so long as it depends on you. So do things that create peace and healing.

The whole of these suggestions is summed up in the last verse of Romans 12, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” If we live with that in the front of our minds and let it seep into our hearts, or relationships will be transformed, and our love for each other will increase. It is easy to understand, but difficult to do. Simple but hard. Yet it is rewarding for eternity. So live as Paul states in Philippians 2:1-5 “If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being likeminded, having the same love, being one is spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”