Love Is the Opposite of Control

I know that this is now about two weeks late, but I have been struggling a lot with this post, because I am attempting to walk a very fine line, and one that I am not good at in my own life, but one that I hope to continuously get better at. I scraped what I already had written because when I went back and read it, I really didn’t like how I was coming across. But I am just going to write it now and hope that it is exactly what I want to say. There are so many nuances that can be talked about this. But at least maybe this can get some discussion going on a very important topic, which is how to love others. Please feel free to point out anything I missed or anything you disagree with. At least this should get the discussion going. And in the process I may learn something valuable.

Love is not controlling. We so often mistake love for control, but it is the opposite. It amazes me how many times Jesus let people just walk away. He had compassion on them and He loved them, and He let them go: The rich young ruler, his own family, Judas Iscariot, several of His disciples after teaching them that He is the Bread of Life in John 6. In the parable of the prodigal son, the father gave the son what he wanted and let him go, even when he knew the son was not wise. Jesus loved people, and because He loved them, He let them choose their own way, even when it wasn’t wise or right. But Jesus only let them go after telling them the truth. He still feasted with Judas and washed his feet, he is the Shepherd who will leave the 99 to find the one missing. He is the Father who was watching for His prodigal son to come home and threw him a feast when he got there. Jesus told the truth and He loved, and He pursues people, but He does not control. Trying to control others is not love, and to do so is to attempt to play God in a way that God will not even play Himself.

Jesus loved people for who they were, and for who He knew they could be. He died, gave up His life, even when He knew that many would not accept His gift. It is freely offered, but He will not make you take it.

So often we love people based on what they can do for us. They fulfill a need that we have, so we love them. If they stop fulfilling that need or fall short, we get frustrated and angry and perhaps even manipulative to try to get our loved one to do what we want them to do. The second we move from “I’m going to love you for who you are” to “I’m going to love you if you do these things for me” we have stopped loving. We have started to be controlling. People’s worth must be measured in how God sees them, not in what they can do for us. This is the same idea Jesus was talking about in the Sermon on the Mount when He said, “If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” This is all after instruction to love your enemies. It is a calling much higher than the world has to offer, and much more difficult.

The hardest part of loving somebody is watching them mess up or make a foolish decision. But we can not make other people’s decisions for them. Love has an obligation to tell the truth. Love will encourage, be honest, trusting, hopeful, and persevering, but it will not be controlling. Sometimes like the father of the prodigal son, love requires us to let others have their way and to mess up. And love must be ready with grace and forgiveness like the Father has for us.

But much like Jesus let several people walked away grieved, He also compelled people to follow Him. Look at Paul, Mary and Martha, the people Jesus healed. Look at Peter who was just a loud mouth fisherman, but when he met Jesus, he became a rock of faith. Peter messed up a lot, but He always came back to Jesus freely, because Jesus loved him. When he denied Jesus, Peter still came back to Him and out of love Jesus forgave Peter. Peter preached the first gospel sermon and over 3,000 were saved that day. What Peter was so scared to acknowledge before a few servants, that he was a follower of Jesus, he boldly proclaimed before the very ones responsible for His death 53 days later. And it was because Jesus loved Peter.

This is an extremely difficult balance in relationships, because love does not relieve people of their obligations and even increases them. In marriage, a man and a woman have committed to one another, and it is imperative that they keep those vows. Love does not ignore expectation. But love must be sacrificial and giving instead of manipulative and power playing. Trying to control your spouse is not loving your spouse.

Children must be taught what it means to be a follower of Christ. A relationship with Jesus must be modeled in the parent’s lives, and a child must be encouraged in the faith. But there comes a point where as a child grows, the child must choose who they will follow and pattern their life after and worship. And whether they chose to follow God or not is up to them, and love must let them struggle through the choice. Faith cannot be forced. Trying to control your children’s beliefs is not loving your children.

Now, here is the difficulty of this. First, it takes a certain amount of maturity to make bad decisions. Children need a sense of warmth and even some “controlling” at times, and to not do so is neglectful and harmful. Yet there comes a time when growing up, kids will start to make their own decisions and start to test boundaries. And a loving parent will be firm with expectations, but loving parents will not control their children’s lives. They will allow a child to learn to chose for themselves who they will be.

Jesus’ love is a tough love. He has standards, and He let them be known. He asks for everything in a commitment to Him, and if we walk away from that commitment there are difficult consequences. Jesus let the rich young ruler walk away because he was unwilling to give up his love of wealth to love Jesus. If we chose something over Him He lets us, but we have the consequences of living in sin and missing out on the fellowship with His people. But Jesus will still let you walk away. He will not use control as a tactic to keep you “in line.” And He still loves you, and if you return to Him, He will accept you back, but it must be on His terms. He loves you too much to allow it any other way.

Ultimately, love must be given whether it is returned or not. To love someone means to care for who they are and who they are becoming. It means to except who they are and encourage them to become better. It means to lovingly tell them the truth even if they will not accept it. It means to let them love you back or to walk away from your love, and it means to love them no matter what choice they make. It means to love others more than your own relationship with them. But you cannot make them love you. Then it becomes a selfish attempt to make other people fulfill your desires. No one can do that, except God. But He has greater things for us in mind. He lovingly asks us to fulfill His own desires, with is the most loving thing He can do. Because His desire is for us to love Him with everything and to love others, and our lives are meant for this.

Don’t try to use love to control other people. It is the opposite of love. Don’t let other people try to use love to control you. Love must be given freely if it is love. Most of all, we cannot get mad at others because they do not love us the way that we wish them too, but we still cannot cease to love them for this.

"Love is found more in the things that we have given up then in the things that we have kept."-Rich Mullins